


Swear Jar

by Silver_KitsuneNeko



Category: 2P Hetalia - Fandom
Genre: F/M, General fiction, Literature, M/M, fan fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-23
Updated: 2014-11-23
Packaged: 2018-02-26 16:25:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2658578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silver_KitsuneNeko/pseuds/Silver_KitsuneNeko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Okay here's my second Hetalia fanfic. It sounded interesting in my head. Have fun with it. I didn't know what category to put it in so I decided to put it in general. Please excuse the grammar, I usually look over and fix over time. I don't own Hetalia or you but I own the story idea. Enjoy n,n</p>
            </blockquote>





	Swear Jar

______________ has been living with her husband, Matthew for going on two years now. Her time with him was interesting if not frightening. Matthew was mean, cruel, cold, and absolutely badass to everyone, besides his wife. She was happy nonetheless and it did take some getting used to, considering her circumstances. Her life with the family happened out of pure kidnapping and other factors but that was a tale to tell another time. Today's story is about the first thing she knew about upon arrival, the Swear Jar. Arthur, affectionately called Artie, did not like swearing. He cringed whenever he heard it. Instead using profanity, he used "Gosh" "Wilikers" "Gee Wiz" and so on. Although it was there, it didn't stop Matthew or his brother, Alfred, who both cursed like sailors on leave. So, in order to remedy the swearing in his house, Artie made a swear jar with a Price List: 

$1 for D-word and misc. small swears (a-word, h-e double hockey sticks)  
$5 for the Sh-word and misc. big swears (b-word, c-word)  
$10 for the F-word  
$15 for the MF-word  
 _Prices double when a lady was about._

The money would be used for something constructive like a family trip, a family dinner, or an emergency fund. Artie wanted it to be something they all could use. The swear jar was only used in Artie's home and Matt threatened he would never sleep with __________ again if she even tried to incorporate the method in their home. Because Francis swore at home, he was usually immune unless it was a _long_ ongoing stream. But the swear jar was instated whenever it was around Artie and that when the trouble started…

***

The family was sitting down to supper. As agreed, they would eat together once a week, against everyone's, except Artie's, will. Tonight, it was at Matthew's home. ____________ made a large meal. Artie insisted he help out. She didn't mind. He was very helpful and very nice, to her. He frightened her a bit but she soon learned that if he didn't have any qualm with you, you were safe. Plus, he knew his family's preferences. Alfred was a vegan so anything made for him had to be animal friendly so his diet was tofu, meatless, and organic in some cases. Matthew, on the other hand, would kill a bull moose with his bare hands and ____________had seen him to do it. He tracked, hunted, and killed but used everything from the moose, even the antlers, where he used as décor. Matthew wanted anything but vegan food. Francis would eat anything as long as it was prepared in a gourmet fashion. Artie was grateful for any meal as long as dessert was his domain. Today's menu was moose au gratin. 

"What the fuck is this?!" Alfred said looking at the dish. 

"Au gratin," said ___________, "Don't worry, yours have soy cheese," 

"No, I mean the meat in this one!"

"Moose, dumb shit," barks Matthew, "And what different does it fucking make? You're not eating it," 

"Why the fuck are we eating moose?!" 

"Because I fucking wanted moose!" 

"I don't see why a fucking moose has to die because you were hungry," 

"You just answered your question, I was hungry," 

"What if we ate you?!" 

"You would, fairy," Francis glares and pours himself some wine and thrusts ___________the bottle. You both knew this was not going to end well. As the pair argued, Artie came out of the kitchen. Her eyes widened. 

"Umm Mattie…" 

"This vegan shit is getting fucking old, Al!" 

"Fuck you! It's better than killing somethin' harmless!" 

"Umm guys!"

"Hunting an animal to stay alive is WAY fucking better than eating that shit you call food!" 

"GUYS!" said ____________ desperately. 

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!"  Alfred was slammed with a hockey stick. Matthew looked murderous. 

"Don't you fucking yell at her," 

"Fuck you!" it immediately escalated to the point that Francis and _____________ had to grab the pair. She grabs Matthew's hockey stick and managed to pull him back by the waist. Francis grabbed Alfred's bat and told _______ to duck as it barely missed her face in Alfred attempted to hurt his brother. She hated to admit, but this was fairly normal. Her reflexes had gotten better since living around them. Artie looked visibly upset. He pulled her away from Matthew and took her to a chair. Matthew glares and sat down too, adjusting his sunglasses. 

"My dear poppet! Are you okay?" she smiled. 

"I'm okay, really!" 

"Honestly you two! She's a delicate little flower! You can't treat her like this!" said Artie rubbing ______________ hand soothingly. 

"Delicate my ass!" said Alfred glaring, "Stop babying her," 

"That reminds me," said Artie takes out the Swear Jar, "Pay up you two," 

The pair grudgingly put the money into the jar. Artie still didn't look please. Matthew looked at him. 

"What else do you want?" 

"You two didn't pay the double!" 

"What double?" 

"You were swearing in front of a lady, you know the rules," 

"No fucking way I'm paying extra for swearing in front of MY wife," said Matthew, "If anything, fucktard should pay for it!" 

"Fuck you! It's not like she's a lady anyway," 

"She's _my_ lady and if you want to die, I'll be more than happy to mount your head on the fucking wall if you don't take that back!" 

"FUCK YOU!" 

"You would!" before they started fighting again, Francis took out a large blade. He looked murderous at the two men. They got quiet. 

"I'm not paying!" 

"Me neither!" Artie looked calm. A sadistic smile rose to his lips. 

"Very well. ___________ here," he passed her a cupcake. It wasn't an ordinary cupcake, it was one of his blue and pink cupcakes with frosting and sprinkles. She was hesitant at first but ate it. He smiled in satisfaction. She was terrified now. The last time Artie offered someone a special cupcake, a whole baseball team died from consumption. Matthew glared at him before the meal went back to order. 

***

"You shouldn't have eaten it!" Matthew barked later that night. _____________had just changed into her pajamas. 

"I panicked!" she said, "I really wish you and Alfred would get along more," 

"Fuck him!" 

"Maybe you should pay the fine; it's not the end of the world," 

"It's the principle of it! No one can tell me I can't swear around you let alone my house!" 

"True, I am pretty used to it," 

"And just because I swear around you doesn't mean that Al can fucking yell at you!" It's true. Matthew was very overprotective of his wife. He once threatened her boss after he decided to call her incompetent in front of the office. Needless to say, he immediately approved of her telecommute and pay raise. As soon as he got into him bed, he pulled _________ into his arms. She blushed and cuddled on his chest. Matthew only showed affection when they were alone together. She knew it had a lot to do with Francis raising him for the most part, who's nonchalant attitude was tough it up, show nothing, and always protect what belongs to you. In this case, she belonged to Matthew but that doesn't mean that she won't protect him either. " _Mon petite chou fleur…_ ," he muttered softly and gently rubbed her back and inched his way to her butt. She jumps as he squeezes.  

"Mattie!" he smirked. 

"Don't worry, after dinner all I want to feel you here with me. Tomorrow however, I'm going to make sure you can't walk right or talk for a week," 

She blushed. Little did she know, her protection skills for her husband were going to be tested very, very soon…

***

"Mattie! Breakfast! I made French toast, pancakes, and bacon," she just put out the maple syrup and no sooner her back was turned, Matthew was there. He grabbed her and kissed her roughly. She blushed furiously, "Well you're cheerful," 

"Time off," he muttered. Thanks to him, the woods were a safe haven for the animals. However, the woods posed the threat of poachers. Since married to him, even before, he always had a "Don't ask questions" rule. If she heard screaming that wasn't his, don't ask questions. If he came into the house covered in blood, don't ask questions. If the authorities came looking for a missing poacher, find him and don't ask questions. The authorities knew the Mountie was doing his job and often turned a blind eye, as long as civilians (to their knowledge) weren't harmed. Matt tore into his pancakes. ____________ were making more when she heard a gurgle. Matt's face was twisted in pain, he coughed blood. She immediately panicked. All of his symptoms were of cyanide poisoning. She runs upstairs, grabbed some sodium nitrate and quickly injected it into him. She took him to bed and reached for a phone to call an ambulance. 

***

"Mattie? Are you okay?" he groaned in response. The last few hours was a whirlwind. The ambulance came, rushed him to the hospital, checked him realized he was poisoned by an unknown substance, and had his stomach pumped. The doctors said he was lucky to be alive after his ordeal. He was able to return home later that day. ___________ looked about the house but nothing was out of the ordinary. She had some of the pancakes too and she wasn't sick. He was getting back to normal slowly, "The game in on tonight, let me get you downstairs," 

While the game was on, Matthew started to looks a little better. He was even yelling at the television. 

"YOU FUCKING HOSER! I SAW THAT! You better hope I don't catch you on the street tonight!" __________left to grab a blanket, "While you're up, get me a beer," 

"You really think you should drink after that brush with death?" 

"I can't think of a better reason. Now shut up and beer me!" she sighs and grabs two. One for him and one for her. No sooner than Matthew took a gulp from his bottle, he broke out into convulsions and twitched and foamed at the mouth again. _____________ went into the first aid kit and got the antidote. 

***

What started off as a string of mysterious misfortunes had turned into a full blown epidemic. Matthew was getting sick almost every other day. Sometimes the poison was fast acting; sometimes it was slow, taking days to acting get to him. He was having trouble keeping things down and what made it worst, Alfred was suffering the same thing. Because he lived alone, he decided that he would crash at his brother's house. Even poisoned though they were sick, vomiting, and in constant pain, the pair still found a way to bicker. 

"Get the fuck away from me! You're on my side of the couch!" 

"This whole fucking couch is mine!" 

"This is your fault! I told you eating that fucking moose would kill you!"

"And your vegan shit isn't?! That's why your body can't fight shit!" 

"Enough you two!" ____________ barked, "I don't see how two grown men can bicker while being sick. 

"All I need is rest," said Matthew, "Asshat's the one who's too fucking weak from hunger!" 

"Fuck you! It must be the flu or something," 

"Well, I made you two some veggie soup; hopefully you can keep it down. This is really starting to worry me," She poured them both a bowl. Almost immediately after taking a few bites, the pair vomited blood and were convulsing. _____________ grabbed blankets, injected them with antidote and put them to bed. It was frightening. If they didn't eat anything solid soon, she didn't think they would last long. The phone rang. 

"Hello?" 

"Poppet! How are you?" 

"Oh hi Artie, I'm okay," 

"You don't sound okay, is everything alright?"

"No…something in the house is poisoning Matthew and whatever is making him sick, I think Alfred is getting it too. It's scary. I just wish I can do more," 

"You're doing the best you can, my little cupcake but the boy know only they can end their illness," 

"What do you mean?" 

"Never you mind, my lamby!" she could hear him smile over the phone, "I made some fresh cupcakes. I can bring you a few if you like," 

"Oh please, don't trouble yourself Artie. It's late! I'll stop by this week since I don't think our family get together will be happened for the third time this week," 

"Too right! Please get some rest! You sound so tired!" She hung up the phone. She went to check on Matthew, then Alfred. It has been three weeks since their last family dinner. What was in that food that could have gotten them sick? It couldn't be the moose. Everyone ate it, except Alfred and only he, Artie, and herself ate the soy au gratin. They didn't eat anything out of the ordinary. But she was the only one between the two who ate a cupcake and that normal, since Artie had a bad habit of poisoning people he didn't like. She wasn't poisoned, but ate a cupcake. Then she placed two and two together. Everything in the house she ate was something that Matthew ate but she didn't get sick. Since Alfred was sick at home, there wasn't much she could do but when he came to the house, he still continued to be ill. She was immune but how can someone be immune to poison? Unless someone MADE them immune to poison. She sighs. In order to save their lives, she was going to have to do something very sneaky and very out of her character…

***

"OH Poppet!" Artie beamed at _______________, "Please come in! I just took my cupcakes out and made tea!" Francis was on the couch. He nodded curtly at her. She smiled back. In the kitchen, Artie had a beautiful assortment of cupcakes on a tier and steaming tea in a pot waiting for them, "I'm so glad you could make it! It seems like forever since we've seen each other!" 

"It has. I do enjoy your company Artie. But I'm sorry, this isn't a social call," she looked serious at him. Artie looked worried. 

"What's the matter?" 

"Artie…I know you've been poisoning Matthew and Alfred. Please…stop," Artie was silent for awhile. _____________was scared. She knew Artie can be unpredictable at times. He ran his fingers through his pinkish hair.

"But they swore at you! I can't let that slide love," 

"I-I know and that's why I'm offering to pay their debt to you," she handed him two envelopes. Artie shakes his head. 

"I can't take your money! A gentleman never takes anything like that from a lady," 

"Even if she's got it out of the accounts of two stubborn men? Please Artie, if this doesn't stop soon, they won't get better. Please?" Artie looks at the envelopes, then to ___________, then back to the envelopes. 

"How about you make her do something to even it out?" said Francis from the couch, "That way you don't feel guilty and we keep our mouths shut about this," 

"I've thought about that," said Artie, "And I have the perfect way for her to pay us for keeping this little matter quiet," he gently touches ___________'s cheek and looked into her (e/c) eyes, "I want you to come to here twice a week and spend time with us. Francis gets bored and we always like someone to play with," _________________'s eyes widen, "Not in that way, but I will admit, if Mattie wasn't your husband, I would have charmed you away from him by now. But all we want is some companionship for one year. After that, your debt will be repaid and you can choose if you still want to spend a few hours with us," 

"O-Okay deal," 

"Splendid! Now here's what you have to do to stop my little poisonous things. You see, I lined ever single cooking utensil with poison, poison that just won't go away with soap and hot water. Just soak all of Al and Mattie's eating utensils and accessories in hot water and this little antidote for a day and that should take care of any trace of poison. Also, pour out all of their alcohol. They should get better in a few days. Next week, I want you were bright and early on Monday," 

***

Artie kept his word. As soon as _____________everything was counteracted, they got better. Alfred went home much to Matthew's happiness. Soon he was back to work hunting poachers and protecting animals. He and Alfred were starting to feel so much better than he invited Matthew to start doing their nighttime exploits. ____________ grimaced. She didn't want to be anywhere near them when they were bloodlust mode. But that usually meant that Matthew would come home disheveled, animalistic, and bloody and things would be heated in bed, which she didn't mind. She kept her promise. She was at Artie's house bright and early on Monday. She had no idea what he was planning to do. She was terrified in fact. She knocked on the door as Artie appeared with a sadistic smile on his face. 

"Come on in, poppet! It's time to have some fun…"

 

Epilogue 

"Arthur what did you do to her?!" Francis screeched looking at the mess of a human being in the room. 

"I think she's my best work yet! Oh she looks darling!" 

"If you think looking like a mess is darling!"

"Aww Francis I didn't know you cared about her that much," 

"I don't, I hope you don't expect her to go home looking like this!" 

"____________ you like it don't you?" 

"Well, it's not something I would get for myself…" 

"SEE?! She loves it!" 

"Pink and blue can only go so far! You really pushed it! She looks like a frosted glittery nightmare!" 

"Oh Francis stop being so mean! I think ladies should wear more frills and lace!" 

"She looks like an overgrown cupcake!" 

"Isn't it great?! Oh! I have the perfect hat for this! Be right back poppet!" Artie scampered away. Francis lit up another cigarette and takes a long drag. 

"I'd still fuck you; it would take me a bit to get over this monstrosity you're wearing but whatever. On Wednesday, you and I are going out. Don't ask questions, just hide something in your bra that you can use to slit a throat," 

This was going to be a long year…


End file.
